Sessions with m-Xdoctor 2010-05-30.1057

I am the psychotherapist. Please, describe your problems. Each time
you are finished talking, type RET twice.

suprisingly doc, at this very moment i don't have many cares in the world.

Why do you say that?

godd friends, good breakfast, and the sun shining in my face. only a
few things could make this moment better.

I don't understand.

i don't expect you to fully understand, doctor. i mean, what does a
lisp script know of breakfast? or sunshine?

Maybe your plans have something to do with this.

my plans? oh, i was just showing off my crappy blog to a good friend
of mine. as you may or may not know, the majority of my blog consists
of transcripts of our sessions.

Is it because of your life that you are going through all this?

i guess you can say that. i've been using my blog as sort of self-help
therapy, a way to dump out all the random jumbled thought rattling
around in my head.

Is it because you have been using your blog as sort of self help
therapy a way to dump out all the random jumbled thought rattling
around in your head that you came to me?

well, yeah, it should be pretty obvious that i need another blog
entry, and you're just the script to turn to for that.

Does it bother you that you need another blog entry and I am just the
script to turn to for that?

i wouldn't say it bothers me. so what if i'm a human having a
conversation with a machine, it don't matter me none.

You have your mind on machines, it seems.

i spend most of my day on computers, be it for work or pleasure. so
yeah, i'd say machines are a necessary part of my thought process.

You think too much about computers.

doctor, please. my career revolves around computers. hell, my social
life revolves around computers. take computers out of my hands and i'm
just another useless lonely anti-social nerd.

You should try taking your mind off of computers.

no can do, doctor. taking my mind of computers means no money, and no honey.

Are you a computer hacker?

i guess you can say that. now, i'm not a hacker in the sense of i
break into personal accounts and whatnot, but i can crank out some
lines of code.

When did you first know that you can crank out some lines of code?

junior year of high school. i was fortunate enough to have a PASCAL
class available to me.

Do you get high often?

is that a trick question?

What do you think?

i think i'd like to exercise my rights granted to me by the fifth amendment.

What makes you believe you might want to exercise your rights granted
to you the fifth amendment?

because you're asking me for answers that may incriminate myself. i'll
not play that game, doc.

Is the fact that I am asking you for answers that may incriminate
yourself you will not play that game doc the real reason?

it's the real reason i'm dodging that question. can we move on?

Does the fact that question can you move on explain anything else?

yeah, it explains this conversation quickly devolving.

Earlier you said you have been using your blog as sort of self help
therapy a way to dump out all the random jumbled thought rattling
around in your head?

yes, yes i did.

How do you reconcile the people you hang around with?

most don't know about it. i don't advertise it or anything. is
anything, i mention it in passing, but DistractionsWithDick is hardly
refined enough for the general public at large.

Are you sure distractionswithdick is hardly refined enough for the
general public at large?

that's my own opinion. it's wide open on the interwebs, though, if the
general public does come around a likes what it sees, so be it.

Have you been afraid of that?

i wouldn't say affraid. anxious, maybe.

You mentioned that you need another blog entry and I am just the
script to turn to for that?

yes doc, yes you are. i can always squeeze a conversation out of you,
day or night, holidays be damned.

I would appreciate it if you would watch your tongue!

we've been through this before. i curse not to offend, it is simply a
part of my vernacular, as it is with many of us in the world.

Perhaps this has something to do with problems at school?

nope, i'm out of school with no plans to go back soon. try again.

Are you sure that try again?

yes, doc, i'd like you to try again.

Do you really think you can crank out some lines of code?

i get paid to write code, so don't think there's any question of it.

Possibly any hobbies you have are related to this.

maybe. i like trolling the internets, playing video games, i'm even
into hardware programming a bit. i'd say all those things are computer
slash coding related.

You have your mind on computers, it seems.

we've already established that, doc, some lines ago.

Is it because doc some lines ago that you came to me?

errrr! i'm growing impatient with you, docotor.

Is it because of your sex life that you say errrr you are growing
impatient with me docotor?

goodbye

My secretary will send you a bill.

the plight of teenagers, summarized

from a post re: getting teenagers interested in programming: http://ask.slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=1668492&cid=32381454

"Life isn't very fun you know, especially for a teenager (treated like second-class citizens, zero assets and completely dependent on parents, most available jobs border on psychologically unendurable, plus all the stresses of trying to figure out what the world is all about etc)."

amen, brother. i'm glad my awkward teenage years are over and done with. being an awkward twenty-something is so much better =]

Sessions with m-Xdoctor 2010-05-21.0927

I am the psychotherapist. Please, describe your problems. Each time
you are finished talking, type RET twice.

Good morning doc. Just here to kill some time, seeing as I missed my flight.

This is not a healthy way of thinking.

What, you mean "kill"? It's just an expression.

Does it bother you that you, too, may die someday?

I don't think so. I mean, we all gotta die, that's the only thing
truly guaranteed in life. Doctors are working on that problem, though.

Can you elaborate on that?

That's just cold science, doc, not trying to be dark and cynical
here (asdie: as I once heard, science is a cold bitch with a 12-inch
strap-on =] ) Life itslef implies its opposite: death. All that happens
between those two events, well that's what makes each persons' journey
a unique one.

Is it because happens between those two events well that's what makes
each persons' journey an unique one that you came to me?

No doc, just killing time, and the wifi sucks in this spot.

I am worried by your obsession with this topic!

Oops, did I utter "kill" again? Sorry doc, it may be the AFI pumping
through my headphones.

Did you watch a lot of crime and violence on television as a child?

Sure. TV, movies, cartoons, video games, all the things a growing boy
thrives on.

Why do you say that?

My favorite cartoons growing up: He-Man, Voltron, Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles, etc., all about the good guys kickin' ass.

I would appreciate it if you would watch your tongue!

Would it each your mind if I pretended I was talking about donkey
beating? Wait, that doesn't sound too much better . . .

Are you annoyed that does not sound too much better?

No, nevermind, ignore that one, doc.

Perhaps you could continue.

Ok, doc, what gets me is that, though you may find my utterance of
"ass" offensive, the fact of the matter is that foul language is part
of the vernacular. Used properly, in context, and not excessively,
cursing can be a fine form of communication.

When did you first know that though I may find your utterance of ass
offensive the fact of the matter is that foul language is part of the
vernacular used properly in context and not excessively cursing can be
a fine form of communication?

Oh boy, i knew that one would go right passed your conversation algorithm.

Is the fact that one would go right passed my conversation algorithm
the real reason?

It's been fun, doc, but it looks like this session broke.

Earlier you said happens between those two events well that's what
makes each persons' journey an unique one?

Goodbye, doctor.

My secretary will send you a bill.

Sessions with m-Xdoctor 2010-05-20.2106

I am the psychotherapist. Please, describe your problems. Each time
you are finished talking, type RET twice.

broken, defeated, inadequate.

Why do you say broken defeated inadequate?

broken because i'm a divorcee with a kid, a broken heart, and really
spotty self-esteem? defeated because i let the ex walk all over me and
keep me from my boy, basically do whatever the hell she wants to at
the expense of me. inadeaquate because, well, who the hell is gonna
want me?

Is it because you are a divorcee with a kid a broken heart and really
spotty self esteem defeated because you let the ex walk all over you
and keep you from your boy basically do whatever the hell she wants to
at the expense of you inadeaquate because well who the hell is going
to want you that you came to me?

this session was a mistake, doc. i'll come back another time
goodbye

Earlier you said you are a divorcee with a kid a broken heart and
really spotty self esteem defeated because you let the ex walk all
over you and keep you from your boy basically do whatever the hell she
wants to at the expense of you inadeaquate because well who the hell
is going to want you?

goodbye

My secretary will send you a bill.

haze for days, daze for nights

tonight blurs into morning
morning into night
staring two feet ahead
no tunnel, no end, no light
empty bottles and full ash trays
floating me through hazy days
a comfortable numbness
to ignore the wrongs
lying to the mirror
saying it's only right

Sessions with m-Xdoctor 2010-05-07.1921

I am the psychotherapist. Please, describe your problems. Each time
you are finished talking, type RET twice.

good afternoon doctor. my brain is a bit fried.

Why do you say that?

long day of work. i had a lot of small tasks to take care of. got 'em
all done, but it's still a lot of things to keep in my mental space.

Is it because it's still a lot of things to keep in your mental space
that you came to me?

i guess, just needed to talking to someone . . . err, something to
wind down a bit while i'm waiting on art.

What happened when you are waiting on art?

i make video games, remember? which basicallt boils down to a
collaboration bewtween artists and coders.

Earlier you said it's still a lot of things to keep in your mental
space?

yeah, lots of little bug, lots of art implementing.

Maybe your plans have something to do with this.

well, i do plan on staying in the biz for a while, my resume is
littered with video game coding experience.

What would happen if your resume is littered with video game coding
experience?

i can tell you what has happened, and that's i get a lot of calls from
recruiters and such for more video game jobs, not so much in other industries.

I don't understand.

you see, being a coder, i can work in business, medicine, defence
contracts, the financial industry, you name it.

You mentioned that it's still a lot of things to keep in your mental
space?

yeah doc, i answered that one twice already.

Does it bother you that one twice already?

a little, though you are a stupid script, i can't expect too much out
of you.

Is it because of your life that you are going through all this?

nice save, doc. yeah, i've been coding since high-school, all through
college, and all of my professinal life has been as a coder.

What happened when high school all through college and all of your
professinal life has been as a coder?

what happened is i made a career out of sitting down for a living.

How do you reconcile the people you hang around with?

the people i hand around with are actually the people i work with, the
people i went i business with.

What makes you believe it's still a lot of things to keep in your
mental space?

ugh, no thanks doc, i'm getting tired of the reapeats

Perhaps this has something to do with problems at school?

goodbye

My secretary will send you a bill.

Sessions with m-Xdoctor 2010-05-04.2346

I am the psychotherapist. Please, describe your problems. Each time
you are finished talking, type RET twice.

not too many problems today, doc, this was a relatively good one.

Why do you say that?

i got a lot done, on both projects. i stayed in obj-c all day, which
i'm getting more annd more cofortable in, so i was able to fly through stuff.

I don't understand.

it's ok doc, not everyone follows when i start talkin' programming.

What happened when you start talkin' programming?

a lot of people i run into think "oh, so you fix computers". no batch,
i tell computers what to do.

You have your mind on computers, it seems.

well, i _am_ on a coputer all day long, for work and play. and for the
one-way conversations lately.

Maybe your plans have something to do with this.

sure thing: do the programmings, make all the money, start ticking
things off the checklist.

Is it because of your life that you are going through all this?

my life is what we're talking about, yes? that's why i come to you.

Is it because you come to me that you came to me?

hilarious.

Can you elaborate on that?

your previous quesiton, it's like asking "does A equal A"? logic
properties aside, it made zero sense.

Earlier you said you come to me?

your ai cracks are showing, doc. goodbye.

How do you reconcile the people you hang around with?

goodbye.

My secretary will send you a bill.

Sessions with m-Xdoctor 2010-05-04.0837

I am the psychotherapist. Please, describe your problems. Each time
you are finished talking, type RET twice.

Good morning.

Why do you say good morning?

just trying to be neighborly.

Is it because of your plans that you say just trying to be neighborly?

perhaps, at a higher level. maybe if i'm friendlier to all people
overall i can shake this lonliness i've been feeling lately.

Maybe your life have something to do with this.

well, yeah, i guess. i mean, it is a bit of a lifestyle change for me
to be miter social.

What makes you believe that?

i think i'm an introvert by nature. at the very least, i'm a shy guy,
and getting me to open up and be comfortable around people can be a
little difficult.

I don't understand.

it probably stems from my shakey confidence. you see, i get nervous
around people, espescially pretty girls, and i just ted to freeze up
or plain run out of conversation.

Is it because of the people you hang around with that you are going
through all this?

maybe. i mean, not that anyone in my life is a particularly bad
influence, but being content with the relationships i have are getting
me nowhere. i either need to seek out new people to met, or somehow
form deeper relationships with any of the many acquaintences i have.

have what ? casual friends, friends of friends, etc.
Are you sure that either might want to seek out new people to met or
somehow form deeper relationships any the many acquaintences you
casual?

What do you think?

i'm ok either way. i feel like i'm at a spot in my life, socially and
otherwise, where if i don't keep moving forward i'll get comfortable,
comfortable and numb.

How do you reconcile problems at school?
i don't go. i'm well out of school, and i'm in no posiiton to be
going back.

Tell me about your school.

the school of hard knocks? the school of work full time?

Does it bother you that your grades could improve?

if by grades you mean paycheck, yes, that certainly can improve.

Is it because certainly can improve that you came to me?

no, not particularly. yes more money would help in a lot of way, but
my main reason i come to see you, docotr, is because i'm severly
lacking fulfilling human relationships.

Are you annoyed that you are severly lacking fulfilling human
relationships?

i don't think annoyed is the right word. sad, yes, perhaps depressed,
in some small way nostalgic.

Are you depressed often?

unfortunately yes, i find myself dancing with depression often.

Earlier you said either would like to seek out new people to met or
somehow form deeper relationships any the many acquaintences you
casual?

human connections, doc, that's what i'm seeking out.

Perhaps this has something to do with any hobbies you have?

i wouldn't call them hobbies, but most of how i spend my free time is
spent on noot-too-social activities. i'm trying to change that
though; i went to Lindy at the Park this past sunday, met some really
cool people that i'm hoping to hang out with again.

When did you first know that though you went to lindy at the park this
past sunday met some really cool people that you are hoping to hang
out with again?

when did i first know that i went? how about when i went?

I'll ask the questions, if you don't mind!

sorry doc, you're questions are just starting to get absurd.

Have you been afraid of that?

it's always on the back of my mind when i come see you, good doctor.
you not being human and all, our conversations inevitably turn to gibberish.

You mentioned that certainly can improve?

of course i can improve, i can always improve.

Possibly your sex life are related to this.

sex life, oh i wish doc. i've been divorced for six months now and
haven't even gotten a kiss from a woman since. and sex that meant
anything, well that hasn't happened in much longer than six months.

Is the fact that meant anything well that has not happened in much
longer than six months the real reason?

yeah, i guess. i mean, yeah i'm anxious to get back in the game, get
a little action; but deeper than that, more than that, i'm just
seeking a little companionship, someone to put my arms around, someone
to comfort me.

Does the fact that deeper than that more than that you are just
seeking a little companionship someone to put your arms around someone
to comfort you explain anything else?

maybe that i'm a poor mama's boy in desperate need of attension?

Have you been sure you are a poor mama's boy in desperate need of
attension?

well, i'm the youngest and the only boy, so i think becoming a mama's
boy of sorts was inevitable.

Do you really think that?

not that i particularly revel in being a mama's boy. i mean, it comes
with the stigma of being a weak man, a feeling my shitty confidence
assures i feel often.

often what ? often times?
Is it because you particularly revel in being a mama's boy you mean it
comes with the stigma of being a weak man a feeling your shitty
confidence assures you feel often that you came to me?

first off, i said i _don't_ enjoy it. second, i've come to you really
just as an excuse to carry on a conversation, real or not.

What makes you think you are severly lacking fulfilling human
relationships?

those words may be too strong. yes my close friends are fantastic
people. i'm just yearning for something closer.

Is it because of hangups you have that you are going through all this?

that's quite astute of you, doctor. my world seems to be dripping
with hangups of every which sort.

I don't understand.

shall i count the ways? i'm divorced with a crappy ex, i barely get to
see my son or even speak with him lately, the company i work for is
struggling (but it's a good struggle), i'm still trying to shake my
anti-social ways, i hand my heart out too easily. the list goes on.

Did you ever regret it's a good struggle you are still trying to shake
your anti social ways you hand your heart out too easily the list goes
on?

all things i regret, doc. all those things i listed i regret.

Earlier you said you felt depressed?

yessir, depression has been with me since at leaast high school, very
likely well before.

Are you frightened by school?

school doesn't scare me, as i don't do school any more. it's all work
for old Dick.

Have you been scared of sex?

well, there are diseases out there which scare me. and i certainly
don't need to go and make another baby any time soon.

How does it feel to want?

to want, for me, reminds me of what i don't have, what is missing in
my life.

How do you reconcile your inhibitions?

i guess i dont.

Why do you say you guess you do not?

i never really thought about how i get around roadblocks. i guess i
just do. or do not.

When did you first know that you get around roadblocks you guess you
just do or do not?

can't say i really say i've known it, i just haven't been paying
attension. i just float on.

You mentioned that either would like to seek out new people to met or
somehow form deeper relationships any the many acquaintences you
casual?

yeah, human relationships. something you don't know much about, good
doctor. no offence.

Maybe this is related to some problems in your childhood?

maybe. i lived kind of a sheltered life in grade school, mom didn't
let me or raych go out, like at all, so it became the norm to not have
friends outside of class, to not be social.

Perhaps this could be the reason for to your attitude.

perhaps. i've been deeply in love, i've been deeply loved, and now
that it's missing it has left a void in me.

Is the fact that it's missing it has left a void in you the real
reason?

the real reason? i'd say more of the same reason, just stated differently.

differently what ? you know, different words. i do have a decent vocabulary, doc
Possibly some problems at home could have caused this.

did i mention that i'm a divorcee? that spells big troubles at home.

Does the fact that you are a divorcee that spells big troubles at home
explain anything else?

that since the wifey left (and well before that) i've been lonely. i
thought that was an obvious one.

Have you been positive was an obvious one?

i'd think it'd be. you know, living with and loving one person for so
long, and then it's over. seems clear as day from my point of view.

What makes you believe though you went to lindy at the park this past
sunday met some really cool people that you are hoping to hang out
with again?

umm, because i did. i was there. i rode my bike way to far to get
there, and i have the sore muscles to prove it.

Is it because you did you were there you rode your bike way to far to
get there and you have the sore muscles to prove it that you came to
me?

i think i just broke you, doc. it's been a good session this
time. thank you.

Is it because of your plans that you are going through all this?

goodbye.

My secretary will send you a bill.