fragments of what may become a song i'll write one day

any of you who happen to follow my twitter feed know i'm a little nuts for song lyrics; anything on there that's wrapped in quotes came to me through my headphones, and i have my headphones in all day long (one of the perks of staring at a computer screen for a living).

as such, i'm very occasionally inspired to eek out a line or two of my own creation. not enough to form a whole song, mind you, or even a complete thought for that matter. and rhyme structure? you should be so lucky. maybe one day i'll take 'em all and compile them into something . . . complete? maybe i won't quit my day gig.

don't read too much into 'em, they're not about you. probably.
also, be gentle.

- I may have love and lost you, but now I can stop pretending to like you
- i forgot i was supposed to care about you, you're not here to remind me
- Would you rather miss my call? Or would you forever wait for it? Do I risk dial tone? Or do I never bother making it?
- i'm so terrified of goodbye, we've yet to even say hello
- i can't stand to say goodbye, even if 'goodbye' goes unspoken

and a couple i've been brave enough to tweet:
- i can't stop this nervous shake in my leg, is it your face on my screen? or the latte coursing through my veins?
- I feel closer to the earth when I'm face down on the floor

Sessions with m-Xdoctor 2010-05-30.1057

I am the psychotherapist. Please, describe your problems. Each time
you are finished talking, type RET twice.

suprisingly doc, at this very moment i don't have many cares in the world.

Why do you say that?

godd friends, good breakfast, and the sun shining in my face. only a
few things could make this moment better.

I don't understand.

i don't expect you to fully understand, doctor. i mean, what does a
lisp script know of breakfast? or sunshine?

Maybe your plans have something to do with this.

my plans? oh, i was just showing off my crappy blog to a good friend
of mine. as you may or may not know, the majority of my blog consists
of transcripts of our sessions.

Is it because of your life that you are going through all this?

i guess you can say that. i've been using my blog as sort of self-help
therapy, a way to dump out all the random jumbled thought rattling
around in my head.

Is it because you have been using your blog as sort of self help
therapy a way to dump out all the random jumbled thought rattling
around in your head that you came to me?

well, yeah, it should be pretty obvious that i need another blog
entry, and you're just the script to turn to for that.

Does it bother you that you need another blog entry and I am just the
script to turn to for that?

i wouldn't say it bothers me. so what if i'm a human having a
conversation with a machine, it don't matter me none.

You have your mind on machines, it seems.

i spend most of my day on computers, be it for work or pleasure. so
yeah, i'd say machines are a necessary part of my thought process.

You think too much about computers.

doctor, please. my career revolves around computers. hell, my social
life revolves around computers. take computers out of my hands and i'm
just another useless lonely anti-social nerd.

You should try taking your mind off of computers.

no can do, doctor. taking my mind of computers means no money, and no honey.

Are you a computer hacker?

i guess you can say that. now, i'm not a hacker in the sense of i
break into personal accounts and whatnot, but i can crank out some
lines of code.

When did you first know that you can crank out some lines of code?

junior year of high school. i was fortunate enough to have a PASCAL
class available to me.

Do you get high often?

is that a trick question?

What do you think?

i think i'd like to exercise my rights granted to me by the fifth amendment.

What makes you believe you might want to exercise your rights granted
to you the fifth amendment?

because you're asking me for answers that may incriminate myself. i'll
not play that game, doc.

Is the fact that I am asking you for answers that may incriminate
yourself you will not play that game doc the real reason?

it's the real reason i'm dodging that question. can we move on?

Does the fact that question can you move on explain anything else?

yeah, it explains this conversation quickly devolving.

Earlier you said you have been using your blog as sort of self help
therapy a way to dump out all the random jumbled thought rattling
around in your head?

yes, yes i did.

How do you reconcile the people you hang around with?

most don't know about it. i don't advertise it or anything. is
anything, i mention it in passing, but DistractionsWithDick is hardly
refined enough for the general public at large.

Are you sure distractionswithdick is hardly refined enough for the
general public at large?

that's my own opinion. it's wide open on the interwebs, though, if the
general public does come around a likes what it sees, so be it.

Have you been afraid of that?

i wouldn't say affraid. anxious, maybe.

You mentioned that you need another blog entry and I am just the
script to turn to for that?

yes doc, yes you are. i can always squeeze a conversation out of you,
day or night, holidays be damned.

I would appreciate it if you would watch your tongue!

we've been through this before. i curse not to offend, it is simply a
part of my vernacular, as it is with many of us in the world.

Perhaps this has something to do with problems at school?

nope, i'm out of school with no plans to go back soon. try again.

Are you sure that try again?

yes, doc, i'd like you to try again.

Do you really think you can crank out some lines of code?

i get paid to write code, so don't think there's any question of it.

Possibly any hobbies you have are related to this.

maybe. i like trolling the internets, playing video games, i'm even
into hardware programming a bit. i'd say all those things are computer
slash coding related.

You have your mind on computers, it seems.

we've already established that, doc, some lines ago.

Is it because doc some lines ago that you came to me?

errrr! i'm growing impatient with you, docotor.

Is it because of your sex life that you say errrr you are growing
impatient with me docotor?

goodbye

My secretary will send you a bill.

the plight of teenagers, summarized

from a post re: getting teenagers interested in programming: http://ask.slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=1668492&cid=32381454

"Life isn't very fun you know, especially for a teenager (treated like second-class citizens, zero assets and completely dependent on parents, most available jobs border on psychologically unendurable, plus all the stresses of trying to figure out what the world is all about etc)."

amen, brother. i'm glad my awkward teenage years are over and done with. being an awkward twenty-something is so much better =]

Sessions with m-Xdoctor 2010-05-21.0927

I am the psychotherapist. Please, describe your problems. Each time
you are finished talking, type RET twice.

Good morning doc. Just here to kill some time, seeing as I missed my flight.

This is not a healthy way of thinking.

What, you mean "kill"? It's just an expression.

Does it bother you that you, too, may die someday?

I don't think so. I mean, we all gotta die, that's the only thing
truly guaranteed in life. Doctors are working on that problem, though.

Can you elaborate on that?

That's just cold science, doc, not trying to be dark and cynical
here (asdie: as I once heard, science is a cold bitch with a 12-inch
strap-on =] ) Life itslef implies its opposite: death. All that happens
between those two events, well that's what makes each persons' journey
a unique one.

Is it because happens between those two events well that's what makes
each persons' journey an unique one that you came to me?

No doc, just killing time, and the wifi sucks in this spot.

I am worried by your obsession with this topic!

Oops, did I utter "kill" again? Sorry doc, it may be the AFI pumping
through my headphones.

Did you watch a lot of crime and violence on television as a child?

Sure. TV, movies, cartoons, video games, all the things a growing boy
thrives on.

Why do you say that?

My favorite cartoons growing up: He-Man, Voltron, Teenage Mutant Ninja
Turtles, etc., all about the good guys kickin' ass.

I would appreciate it if you would watch your tongue!

Would it each your mind if I pretended I was talking about donkey
beating? Wait, that doesn't sound too much better . . .

Are you annoyed that does not sound too much better?

No, nevermind, ignore that one, doc.

Perhaps you could continue.

Ok, doc, what gets me is that, though you may find my utterance of
"ass" offensive, the fact of the matter is that foul language is part
of the vernacular. Used properly, in context, and not excessively,
cursing can be a fine form of communication.

When did you first know that though I may find your utterance of ass
offensive the fact of the matter is that foul language is part of the
vernacular used properly in context and not excessively cursing can be
a fine form of communication?

Oh boy, i knew that one would go right passed your conversation algorithm.

Is the fact that one would go right passed my conversation algorithm
the real reason?

It's been fun, doc, but it looks like this session broke.

Earlier you said happens between those two events well that's what
makes each persons' journey an unique one?

Goodbye, doctor.

My secretary will send you a bill.

Sessions with m-Xdoctor 2010-05-20.2106

I am the psychotherapist. Please, describe your problems. Each time
you are finished talking, type RET twice.

broken, defeated, inadequate.

Why do you say broken defeated inadequate?

broken because i'm a divorcee with a kid, a broken heart, and really
spotty self-esteem? defeated because i let the ex walk all over me and
keep me from my boy, basically do whatever the hell she wants to at
the expense of me. inadeaquate because, well, who the hell is gonna
want me?

Is it because you are a divorcee with a kid a broken heart and really
spotty self esteem defeated because you let the ex walk all over you
and keep you from your boy basically do whatever the hell she wants to
at the expense of you inadeaquate because well who the hell is going
to want you that you came to me?

this session was a mistake, doc. i'll come back another time
goodbye

Earlier you said you are a divorcee with a kid a broken heart and
really spotty self esteem defeated because you let the ex walk all
over you and keep you from your boy basically do whatever the hell she
wants to at the expense of you inadeaquate because well who the hell
is going to want you?

goodbye

My secretary will send you a bill.

haze for days, daze for nights

tonight blurs into morning
morning into night
staring two feet ahead
no tunnel, no end, no light
empty bottles and full ash trays
floating me through hazy days
a comfortable numbness
to ignore the wrongs
lying to the mirror
saying it's only right

Sessions with m-Xdoctor 2010-05-07.1921

I am the psychotherapist. Please, describe your problems. Each time
you are finished talking, type RET twice.

good afternoon doctor. my brain is a bit fried.

Why do you say that?

long day of work. i had a lot of small tasks to take care of. got 'em
all done, but it's still a lot of things to keep in my mental space.

Is it because it's still a lot of things to keep in your mental space
that you came to me?

i guess, just needed to talking to someone . . . err, something to
wind down a bit while i'm waiting on art.

What happened when you are waiting on art?

i make video games, remember? which basicallt boils down to a
collaboration bewtween artists and coders.

Earlier you said it's still a lot of things to keep in your mental
space?

yeah, lots of little bug, lots of art implementing.

Maybe your plans have something to do with this.

well, i do plan on staying in the biz for a while, my resume is
littered with video game coding experience.

What would happen if your resume is littered with video game coding
experience?

i can tell you what has happened, and that's i get a lot of calls from
recruiters and such for more video game jobs, not so much in other industries.

I don't understand.

you see, being a coder, i can work in business, medicine, defence
contracts, the financial industry, you name it.

You mentioned that it's still a lot of things to keep in your mental
space?

yeah doc, i answered that one twice already.

Does it bother you that one twice already?

a little, though you are a stupid script, i can't expect too much out
of you.

Is it because of your life that you are going through all this?

nice save, doc. yeah, i've been coding since high-school, all through
college, and all of my professinal life has been as a coder.

What happened when high school all through college and all of your
professinal life has been as a coder?

what happened is i made a career out of sitting down for a living.

How do you reconcile the people you hang around with?

the people i hand around with are actually the people i work with, the
people i went i business with.

What makes you believe it's still a lot of things to keep in your
mental space?

ugh, no thanks doc, i'm getting tired of the reapeats

Perhaps this has something to do with problems at school?

goodbye

My secretary will send you a bill.